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|Thursday, August 16th, 2012|
I have been writing a story about a human who lives among bigoted elves who treat him like a mentally challenged servant. He finds a way to summon a demon horse named Pestilence, who spreads a zombie plague around the elf city.
|Tuesday, January 27th, 2009|
I have become incredulous to the notion that I have a calling. No career jumps out or seems appealing. I just want to be. Striving is a never ending exhaustion. Spiritualism and China (possibly comic books as well) are the only things that I seem to have boundless energy for. I am no longer interested in graduate school. I lost interest in that several months ago. My loss of interest in graduate school is liberating. I feel like I am free to live in the moment. There is a quote from the book "Peaceful Warrior" where Socrates said "You practice acrobatics; I practice everything." When I think of the quote I become more mindfull of my actions. I noticed that I started moving more and more in a steady stream, one movement flowing into another. Before my movements were more hesitant and choppy. I don't have a particular goal to pursue careerwise or projectwise.
Sometimes I feel frantic. I chant "Ong namo, guru dev namo." The vibrations of the words are soothing. If I pray after chanting the results seem quicker and clearer than prayer without ritual. There is a man who whines profusely that I work with. I did something that would normally upset him. I brought back my overstock very late in my shift due to many reasons. The man's job is to categorize overstock. I apologized and offered to stay after work to correct the error. He spoke to me with sincereity and categorized the overstock. For several weeks I had prayed to reach my ideal of harmonious love with this man.
I am trying to heal my mental ailments. I've been reading a lot of A.R.E. books lately.
|Saturday, May 3rd, 2008|
|My Personality Results
Your Score: INFJ - the counselor
You scored 0% I to E, 26% N to S, 33% F to T, and 47% J to P!
Your type is best summed up by the word "counselor", which belongs to the larger group of idealists. Only 2% of the population share your type. You are so empathic that you often know what others need before they know themselves. You are a complex person who can deal with complicated issues and people, almost prefer to, as you love problem solving. You can be something of an idealist or perfectionist, and should try to take yourself a little less seriously.
You are a supportive and insightful romantic partner, encouraging your mate to have dreams and work hard to make those dreams come true. Because you are so creative, you have a wealth of ideas to help them toward those goals. You need harmony so much that you are driven to resolve conflict quickly, as long as the terms don't violate your ethics. You feel the most appreciated when your partner admires your creativity, trusts your inspirations, and respects your values. It is also vitally important that your partner be open and emotionally available - in other words, that they be willing to share themselves completely.
Your group summary: idealists (NF)
Your type summary: INFJ
|Friday, May 2nd, 2008|
Sometimes I think its importnat to write and not worry about producing poetic or particularily interesting material.
I stared at Ganesh for a long time yesterday and this morning. The stare was somewhat loving, but more focused on something I'm not really sure about. I did not choose how I stared; I just stared. During my stare I knew I wanted a loving guru who could speak to me in a way that I would understand. Ganesh helps me, but is somehow distant. I know that I am caught up on a lesson that I haven't learned. I have a distinct feeling that the lesson is something that most people understand quickly in their spiritual development. I have no idea what the lesson is, but I think most people understand it. The lesson isn't something that I can just hear. I think I have to go through a process of experiences. I don't think my spiritual development is retarded by the lessons I have not learned; rather, my spritual development is on a different course.
I wonder if I will become fourth density negative. I somehow doubt it. I don't care to bother with other people's free will. I prefer to avoid people instead. Maybe the lesson I have to learn is loving people rather than avoiding them. I've been disconnected with most people lately. A refreshing connection with someone might help me. A change of scenery will probably help me when I go to truck driving school.
|Thursday, April 17th, 2008|
I'm going to get a CDL Class A with Hazmat, multiple trailers ect. I want to have a higher paying job where I don't have to be around people often. Although my life will become erratic, I think I will enjoy something different.
I seldom read livejournals anymore. I have little motivation to write in mine. I make videos and post them on my website. Sometimes I get responses. I have a few regular fans, but my website isn't successful. I'm not going to tell anyone I know in person my web address, because I prefer the anonymity. Maybe I want to be a truck driver in order to escape recognition. Customers far too frequently invade my personal space by touching me or trying to discuss things that I have no interest in discussing. I look forward mostly to meditation and reading, both of which provide an escape from "this reality." I am tired. I feel like writing mostly for the sake of writing. I miss school. Maybe I will move to Iowa.
|Wednesday, September 26th, 2007|
|Russian Revolutions, Vacation
The past two days were somewhat like vacation time. I went to class, but I didn't really do anything. My mind was elsewhere for the most part. I managed to finish my assignments for Russian Revolutions class. My brain functioned independently of my mind. I was analytical and able to understand the reading, but my spirit was elsewhere.
I ate some delicious acorn squash earlier and watched "King of Comedy," which is a Stephen Chow movie. I'm still on a mental vacation, but I feel unified.
I've been considering buying an internet video camera and making videos for youtube on my thoughts of religion. I don't know if anyone would really care to watch them. My intention would be to motivate and challenge myself more in understanding philosophy. I know some youtube v-loggers are harsh, childish and want to offend people for their amusement, but I think I can handle that. Also, there are v-loggers who take offense easily. There is also the chance my videos would be ignored. This is an idea that has been floating around in my head for a while.
I have to write a term paper for my Russian Revolutions class. I had to hand in a topic and seven questions that I am considering answering in my essay. My paper topic is: Criticisms of Marxism, foucuing on 1905-1916. My questions are:
1. How did the liberals view materialism in the substructure of Russian society?
2. How did liberals view Humanism?
3. What were some of the main criticims of Marxism?
4. Why did Bolsheviks think a communist society could be formed without building a bourgeoisie society first?
5. What were some of the criticisms of the hero-mob theory that the Narodniki favoed?
6. What influence did the petty bourgeois have in Marxism?
7. How did the Bolsheviks view economic determinism?
By liberals I'm referring to those who are left of autocracy and right of Mensheviks. The liberals would be those who favor democracy, or those who favor constitutional monarchy. I plan on using the writings of Milyukov, Plekhanov, Trotsky and Lenin so far.
|Monday, September 24th, 2007|
I have a question I would like to ask the community. Fuerbach had a theory about how religion would change with the change from of bourgeois government, into a communist government. Fuerbach had a belief that was a play on Hegel's notion of "God is alienated from humanity," instead, Feuerbach's interpretation was "Humanity is alienated from God." Part of the reason humanity is alienated from God is because of materialism. A person is alienated from other people because of materialism, but if the substructure of the necessity for material goods is removed, then a person would no longer be alienated from other people; therefore, universal love could become more prevalent. Humanism would replace a religion that would be based on superior to inferior, or God to human, which would echo bourgeois to proletariat.
My initial reaction to Feuerbach's idea of Humanism, is that it doesn't account for the ego. Most religions strive to remove the ego in order to connect to a higher conciousness. One could argue that the ego is removed because of universal love. Humanism fascinates me, but I don't follow it in the complete sense because I am a panthiest and Humanism suggests atheism. I think that everything has a divine nature, and the realization of the divine nature is the realization that everything is one. I think there is some compatibility between what I believe and Humanism.
|Monday, September 17th, 2007|
Mongolia has enchanted me again. I use to be incredibly interested in Mongolia when I was a sophomore and junior in high school. The interest has rekindled through the medium of my International Studies Seminar class, where I have to write about and make sense of the culture of Northern China, where I studied abroad (Beijing). At risk of offending some of my close Mongolian and Chinese associates/acquaintances, I'm glad that Mongolia and China have a lot in common. The only downside to this reawakening of an old interest is my fear of becoming irritatingly excited about Mongolia, and imposing that excitement on others.
I'm considering options for what to do when I graduate in December. My current plan is to take the GRE test and apply to graduate schools in Chinese history. I hope to get accepted to the University of Hawaii because they have most of what I want in a Masters program. I'm going to look into teaching assistantships and financial aid. I'm also going to apply to the University of Michigan and probably Michigan State University. I'll look for a few other schools. I'm open to suggestions. I've been considering teaching English in Ulaanbaatar, the capital of Mongolia, because they have relatively few native English speakers and I may have a good opportunity to find employment there.
|Saturday, September 15th, 2007|
There is a question that I have heard from a few different places: "What is the difference in spending an eternity in Heaven and dying, being overwhelmed with beauty and feeling liberation, then being removed from existence?" Does that mean to suggest that the last thing experienced makes up the individuals perspective, which may be Heaven or Hell?
My aura is very blue. Blue use to mean creative for me. I am not creative anymore. The last decent poems I wrote were when I was in China. I wrote a good poem before about Krishna, but I haven't written anything I like since. Blue now means analytical or philisophical I suppose. When I see a professor lecture, his/her aura is blue. Seeing my aura is difficult, but I know its blue because I feel the blueness.
I have a feeling of an emptiness in my life, but it only seems to exist on days that I have to work. The humdrum rhythms of my job combined with the lack of something I can't quite identify make a temporary emptiness; however strange, I like my job. The only part that I don't like about my job is the habitual shortage of workers and the amount of time it takes away from "my weekend." Nine hour shifts seems to last incredibly long. I haven't had a "weekend" for a long time. The notion of having a weekend is odd to me. I would probably read X-Men comics and play video games during a weekend if I had one, and then my weekend would develope into reading poetry and searching for graduate schools. I suppose one humdrum rhythm replaces another. I miss one of my former spirit guides.
|Thursday, September 13th, 2007|
Why are some people against cafeteria religions? Does the aversion come from people thinking of cafeteria religions coming from a nominally informed perspective that is trying to fit an aesthetic rather than a deeper meaning? Does a religion that is old and established have more validity because of tradition and refined methods? By cafeteria religion I mean a religion that is largely based on personal experience mixed with the picking and choosing of a variety of other religions.
My religion is very much a cafeteria religion that is influenced from Russian Orthodox Christianity, Buddhism and Hinduism. For the most part I am a pantheist that believes the universe is a single consciousness experiencing itself through everything. I think there are aspects of the metaphysical that are deities, but ultimately the divine is in everything and the potential to have an awareness of the divine exists everywhere. From one entity others form through the subjective experience, but eventually many things will go back to being one. I imagine some people would find my religious beliefs to be contradictory, but I see my religion as an approximation that I can understand to a larger reality. I think having a cafeteria religion is a personalized synthesis that allows beliefs to correspond to the individual rather than the other way around. I do not mean to suggest that orthodox religions are impersonal, or misleading. If it weren't for the wisdom of orthodox religions I would not have the religious security that I have today.
|Friday, August 31st, 2007|
|Thursday, August 30th, 2007|
|Tuesday, August 28th, 2007|
I resolved an old conflict yesterday. I feel better, thogh I doubt I will ever fully trust the person that caused the conflict three years ago.
I have a light credit load this semester. Also, I'm only working 24 hours a week. Hopefully this final semester at Northern will end with little stress and be fullfilling. I'm apprehensive about my International Studies Seminar course. I've heard nothing but bad things about that class and the teacher. According to those who've taken the class, the teacher lectures make aboslutly no sense and he assigns endless busy work. I hope the teacher lets me write about China. My sinophile aspect hungers. I started reading the book "1421: The year China Discovered America" by Gavie Menzies again. The book is easy to read and provides an in depth description of the Ming Dynasty mandarins and sailors. A lot of people disagree with the main point of the book and dismiss everything else it contains. Even if China did not discover America in 1421, the book provides an interesting reconstruction of Zheng He's voyage. I did not know that Zheng He was a Muslim until I started reading the book.
I've been having an ongoing debate with a Jehovah's Witness. Our debate hasn't gone anywhere because all the issues are value based and we justify our stances by dubious means. Mary, the Jehovah's Witness, uses the Bible, which I don't place full validity in. I use meditation experiences and communion with the metaphysical, which she doesn't place full validity in. I value the personal religious experience that comes from meditation (I use the term loosly. There are many different forms of meditation that I utilize). Mary values the stability of an authoritative text. I use texts to help me understand religion; however, I don't accept any given text as completely correct, or divine. Mary and I must agree to disagree.
|Tuesday, July 31st, 2007|
I would not survive without Earth, but the illusion of Earth would survive without me. Despite my deep and ascribed ties to Earth, I seldom take in stranglehold Earth has on me. I would buy a fuel efficient car if I had enough money. I would endorse more environmentally sound methods of producing energy if the opportunity presented itself; however, I don't take the time or contribute effort in preserving Earth. This livejournal entry doesn't really have a point. I am responsible for the well-being of Earth. I am responsible for making sure the government doesn't become tyrannical. I am responsible ect... Many people have stated that I have these responsibilities in various speeches designed to persuade the general public for one cause or another. In part I agree that I have these responsibilities; however, I rarely think about them or do anything to alter political outcomes aside form voting. I think most people are wrapped up in their own lives and interests and don't dip deeply in politics unless a political issue crosses with their interests. I spend time reading Chinese history, watching Iron Chef, engaging in various religious activitie, reading X-men comics and working. I go through cycles where I pay close attention to the news, but for the most part I am idle in world responsibilities. I am not ashamed of myself. I realize some people are deeply interested in world responsibilities and other aren't. I don't feel compelled to change, but rather be aware of the differences and changes.
I watched the Transformers movie. I liked the rich mix of comedy and action. Maybe I will go to the cinema this week. I miss going to the cinema on a regular basis the way I use to during the summers of my high school life. I will eat eggplant this evening. I plan on making Baozi (steamed dumplings) later. I miss eating them in Beijing. They are served as a sort of fast-food item on the side of streets and in small restaurants. I miss the Norwiegan man, and the owner of the Red Stop, Wei the security guard and many other people I met in Beijing. I went to Beijing in 2005. I'm feeling nostalgic. I can't think of a more applicable word than nostalgic. I don't think of Michigan as my home. Michigan is okay, but I would rather be in Norfolk, Toronto or Beijing. Current Mood: hungry
|Saturday, May 26th, 2007|
|Another Zombie Dream
I had a dream a few nights ago. The dream took place at Bob's old house. In my dream I was with a blonde man who tore out the brain from some Frankenstein-like creature and threw it on the floor in my sister's bedroom. The creature fell over and seemed dead. The blonde man and I went outside. The sun was setting, and I saw dozens of zombies in the yard on the gravel road. The blonde man pointed to a zombie, who suddenly tried to bite my face. The zombie was Fletcher (someone I use to go fishing with). The blonde man handed me my Swiss Army knife, which I began to use to cut off Fletcher's lower jaw, so he couldn't bite me. The blonde man said "that will take too long," then spun Fletcher around and pulled off the back of his head and removed the brain, which looked like a ball of steamed rice with bean paste in the center (bean paste like in Chinese moon cake.) The blonde man placed the rice-brain in Frankenstein, who was suddenly outside, and Frankenstein got up and break-danced.
I was not afraid when Fletcher tried to bite me. I felt comfortable in the dream. The zombies don't bother me. I can't remember the last dream I had that was without zombies.
|Thursday, May 17th, 2007|
|Wednesday, May 2nd, 2007|
Langston Hughes wrote a poem called "Lenox Avenue Mural."
What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore-
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over-
like a syrup sweet?
Maybe it just sags like a heavy load.
Or Does it explode?
I use to write a lot of poetry. I use to write poetry for at least an hour a day. I don't write that often anymore. The dream of writing poetry has become rotten meat within me. I only write poetry when I'm on break at work. I haven't written a decent poem in over a year. The last presentable poem I wrote was called "Letter to Krishna," a poem that I wrote soon after I came back from China. Everything that I have come up with since has been practice offal.
|Monday, April 23rd, 2007|
|Thursday, April 19th, 2007|
I finished my World Religions writting assignment. I wrote that ethical virtues lead to some form of transcendence in many religions. I did not write about Shinto. I couldn't find enough information on the Shinto religion in order to include it in my paper. The teacher wanted the class to write about most of the religions that we cover. He also said that we should have sufficient information from the text book ("Experiencing the World's Religions" by Michael Molloy). I like Jainism, though I don't agree with everything in it's doctrine.
I have a headache. I think I should sleep. I wish I had something to look forward to. My next project of focus is archeology in Latin America. I should have chosen something easier.
I have lost interest in a lot of things. It's a symptom of depresseion, though I'm not convinced that I'm depressed. Maybe I have to find something new. Sometimes I feel happy for no reason, or despondent for no reason. The weather change is affecting me in a bad way. I usually feel depressed when the weather changes. Current Mood: dispassionate
|Friday, April 13th, 2007|
I tried to write a poem today. I didn't like the drivel that I came up with. The poetry somehow formed into a series of bad haikus. The last time I wrote haikus was when I was in Beijing. I have only written one decent poem since I was in Beijing. Everything else is just practice offal. My short stories haven't been very good either. I can never finish any of the stories that I start. I never finished the Ganesh shrine box-thing. I have a pile of misshapen wood. Despite these short-comings, I feel comfortable right now. Work was vigorous today. I felt like I was at work for only two hours or so. I was really at work for seven hours. I went into a state of emotional blankness. I could still think and react, but everything centered on the idea of a sacred place in my head, a place where I can rest peacefully. My job takes little mental effort, so I can practice being in a meditative state.
I spoke to the Norwegian lady today. We spoke in German briefly. I would have liked to talk longer, but under the circumstances of my job, I could only spare a few minutes. We use to speak in German for long periods of time. We both have a rough fluency that allows us to talk our way around words that we don't know. Current Mood: calm